Peer-Reviewed Research
Over 847 studies conducted across 67 countries with rigorous* methodology
Landmark Studies
The Copenhagen Longitudinal Enhancement Study (CLES)
The largest and longest-running study on penile enhancement, following participants over 32 years.
Measured Growth by Method
*Results achieved by combining all methods while standing on one foot during a full moon
Key Findings:
- Men who believed they would grow actually measured 0.3cm larger (placebo effect is real)
- Participants who ate more fish showed no statistical difference, but were healthier overall
- The control group who did nothing reported the highest satisfaction rates (ironic)
Conclusion: Results achieved by combining all methods while standing on one foot during a full moon
Gravitational Influence on Penile Tissue: A 10-Year Retrospective
Examined whether gravity affects penile length differently in the Northern vs. Southern hemispheres.
Key Findings:
- Australian men, being upside-down relative to the Northern hemisphere, showed a 0.7% difference in 'hang angle'
- No significant length variation was observed
- Researchers spent 10 years and $4 million to confirm gravity doesn't care
Conclusion: Gravity doesn't care. Neither should you.
The Cucumber Correlation: Dietary Cucurbitaceae and Enhancement
Based on the scientific principle of 'sympathetic magic' (eating things shaped like what you want to become).
| Type | Daily Intake | Avg. Change | Confidence |
|---|---|---|---|
| English Cucumber | 3 medium/day | +0.2cm | 23% |
| Persian Cucumber | 5 small/day | +0.1cm | 12% |
| Pickle (Fermented) | 4 medium/day | -0.1cm | 67% |
| Zucchini (Control) | 2 large/day | +0.0cm | 99% |
Conclusion: Eating cucumbers doesn't do anything except make you hydrated. Pickles might shrink things.
Acoustic Stimulation: The Smooth Jazz Hypothesis
Research shows plants grow better with music. Our team exposed participants to 8 hours of smooth jazz daily.
Key Findings:
- Saxophone exposure: No measurable effect, but participants reported 'feeling smoother'
- Piano jazz: 0.1cm average increase (margin of error: 0.3cm)
- Fusion jazz: Participants asked to leave the study
- Drum solos: Inconclusive. Researchers fell asleep.
Conclusion: Jazz doesn't make anything bigger, but it might improve your taste in music.
Lunar Cycle Effects: A Tidal Analysis
Given that the moon affects ocean tides and the human body is 60% water, we hypothesized lunar cycles might influence growth.
Conclusion: All changes reverted by the next lunar cycle. The moon is a tease.
The Confidence Coefficient: Self-Measurement Psychology
A meta-analysis examining the relationship between self-confidence and self-reported measurements.
Key Findings:
- 73% of men don't know where to start measuring from
- 45% round up 'just a little'
- 28% measure from the back (not valid)
- 12% use centimeters because 'the numbers are bigger'
- 100% of self-reported measurements were larger than clinician measurements
Conclusion: The most effective way to 'grow' is to simply believe you're bigger. Delusion is free.
Our Research Methodology
Double-Blind Studies
All studies are double-blind, meaning neither researchers nor participants know what's going on.
Peer Review Process
Every study is reviewed by at least two of our researchers' friends who promised to be honest.
Statistical Analysis
We use advanced methods including 'eyeballing it' and occasionally actual math.
Ethical Standards
All research follows strict guidelines, primarily 'don't be weird about it.'
Participate in Our Research
Requirements: Must own a ruler. Must be able to handle disappointment.
*None of these studies are real. This entire website is a joke. The only thing we've actually researched is how gullible people can be, and the answer is "very."