Evidence-Based Enhancement Methods
47 scientifically-questionable techniques for the discerning gentleman
Important Medical Disclaimer
These methods have been "tested" by our "researchers" in "controlled" environments. By "tested" we mean imagined. By "researchers" we mean someone's cousin. By "controlled" we mean their bathroom.
Ancient Techniques
Wisdom passed down through generations (of people who made things up)
The Tibetan Elongation Technique
Discovered in 1956 by Dr. Harold Stretchman during an expedition to a remote Tibetan monastery that definitely exists.
The Technique:
- 1Wake up at exactly 4:47 AM (the monks were very specific)
- 2Face magnetic north while standing on your left foot
- 3Visualize your penis as a growing bamboo shoot
- 4Chant 'elongatus maximus' three times
- 5Hang upside down for 15 minutes
- 6Measure yourself with extreme optimism
Gains only measurable by participants. Independent verification showed 0.0cm change.
The Egyptian Sun Alignment Protocol
Ancient Egyptians were obsessed with building large, elongated structures. Coincidence? Our researchers think not.
The Technique:
- 1During summer solstice, expose genitals to direct sunlight for 7 minutes
- 2Position so your shadow points toward the nearest pyramid
- 3Recite the names of all Egyptian pharaohs you can remember
- 4Apply Nile river mud paste (regular mud works)
- 5Wait for 'solar energy transfer' to complete
Nordic Frost Therapy
Vikings were known for their size and strength. The theory: cold exposure triggers a 'survival growth response.'
The Technique:
- 1Fill a bucket with ice water
- 2Submerge genitals for 30 seconds while yelling Viking war cries
- 3Immediately follow with warm water (the 'Nordic Contrast')
- 4Repeat daily while growing a beard
- 5Pillage a village (optional but traditional)
⚠️ Warning: Actually don't do this. Frostbite on genitals is a real medical emergency.
Dietary Interventions
You are what you eat (unfortunately not literally)
The Cucurbitaceae Protocol
Based on 'sympathetic magic' (eating things shaped like what you want to become).
Daily Regimen:
The Oyster Overload Method
If oysters improve performance, surely eating enough of them will improve size?
The Technique:
- 1Consume 24 raw oysters daily (the 'Oyster Dozen Double')
- 2Chase with a glass of seawater for authenticity
- 3Think about the ocean and its vastness
- 4Channel the energy of the mighty whale
The Reverse Pickle Protocol
Our studies found pickle consumption correlates with slight shrinkage. This protocol: avoid all pickles.
Foods to Avoid:
- Pickles (obviously)
- Sauerkraut
- Kimchi
- Pickled herring
- Your aunt's weird refrigerator experiments
Acoustic Therapies
If plants can grow with music, why not... other things?
432Hz Smooth Jazz Immersion
432Hz is the 'natural frequency of the universe.' Extended smooth jazz exposure at this frequency harmonizes cellular growth.
The Technique:
- 1Create a playlist of smooth jazz standards (Kenny G essential)
- 2Tune all music to 432Hz using audio software
- 3Listen for 8 hours daily (sleeping counts)
- 4During saxophone solos, direct attention downward
- 5Visualize cells 'grooving' into elongation
🎵 IIPER-Approved Playlist:
- ♪ 'Songbird' - Kenny G (for gentle growth)
- ♪ 'Just the Two of Us' - Grover Washington Jr.
- ♪ 'Feels So Good' - Chuck Mangione (aspirational)
- ♪ 'Rise' - Herb Alpert (self-explanatory)
Whale Song Resonance
Blue whales have the largest penises in the animal kingdom. By exposing yourself to whale song, you absorb their 'magnitude energy.'
The Technique:
- 1Download authentic whale song recordings
- 2Submerge yourself in a bathtub
- 3Play whale songs through waterproof speakers
- 4Imagine yourself as a majestic blue whale
- 5Stay submerged for 30 minutes daily
Astronomical Methods
The universe is vast. So could you be. (You won't be.)
Full Moon Manifestation
The full moon is associated with transformation and fertility. This method harnesses lunar energy.
The Technique:
- 1On full moon night, go outside (weather permitting)
- 2Remove clothing from waist down (privacy recommended)
- 3Stand in direct moonlight for 15 minutes
- 4Chant your desired measurements three times
- 5Perform 7 counterclockwise spins
- 6Go back inside before neighbors call police
Mercury Retrograde Reversal
While Mercury retrograde is blamed for communication problems, it can 'reverse' size issues—if you believe hard enough.
The Technique:
- 1During Mercury retrograde, avoid all measurement
- 2Write your desired size on paper and burn it
- 3Walk backwards for at least 10 minutes daily
- 4When retrograde ends, measure with 'fresh eyes'
Psychological Approaches
The most powerful organ is the brain (that's the real answer)
The Confidence Coefficient Method
Here's the thing: confidence matters more than size. This method focuses on what actually makes a difference.
The Real Protocol:
- 1Accept that you're probably normal (you almost certainly are)
- 2Understand most size concerns come from unrealistic comparisons
- 3Stop measuring obsessively—it won't change anything
- 4Focus on being a good partner in other ways
- 5Consider therapy if size anxiety affects your life
- 6Remember: no one has ever complained about a partner being too confident
This is the only method on this page that might actually help. The rest are jokes. This is real advice hidden in a fake website.
The Real Truth
You can't make your penis bigger through any of these methods. The entire industry is built on insecurity. The best thing you can do is accept yourself, focus on overall health, and be a good partner. Size doesn't matter nearly as much as society (and spam emails) would have you believe.
*All reported gains are fabricated. This website is satirical. Please do not attempt any of these "methods." Especially the ice bucket one. Seriously.